A look into the past year in hindsight
I could come here and say, I don’t know how people find the time to do things; to update their blog, or other hobbies. Keeping up with everything is exhausting, and I am feeling warn out. Maybe it is I just haven’t found something that makes the fire burn brighter; something that recharges my soul, and leaving me feeling whole instead.
Ive had some ups and downs over the past year. like in June I went to a music festival by myself called Beardfest down in NJ. It was my first time camping at a music festival alone. I had chosen it because of the name of the festival. I had seen ads on Facebook and thought it was a joke. I couldn’t believe when I found it was real. and It was in the middle of the month so I could easily get the time off to go. I was only able to attend strange creek earlier in the year for a day trip. it felt more meaningful to me because I was able to spend time with valued friends. When I got there I went into it with expectations that it would be just like Wormtown or strangecreek.
Being in an environment where I did not know anyone had put me on edge, I had begun to overthink the whole situation. because I went into it with unrealistic expectations I was disappointed and it affected the way I looked at everything while there. On top of that having close friends or family can make the experience more meaningful. I spent too much of my time there focused on that. It bothered me more that I missed my friends than it did having to walk 20 minutes to the very edge of the parking lot for the only clean portapotty that wasn’t overflowing by morning.
I spent a lot of time after the festival in a cycle of self-loathing. I felt like I had wasted time and energy. and for the next couple of months I was dreading what is considered hell week for my job. its the busiest week of the year and can be a very stressful time. I had thought about maybe finding a better job before it came. however because of my mental state I did not spend enough time and energy searching and didn’t find anything before it was too late. this didn’t help and was like a poison that continued to influence some of the ways I’ve been living my life, and went on for a while before I decided to do something about it.
it was getting close to that time, I remember that a customer had come in to rent a truck and had commented on the unfinished stick and poke tattoo I had on my right hand; “FEAR” it reads. He asked me what I had planned to do with the other side, and after I had told him He mentioned it reminded him of the Bruce Springsteen song. I found the song “Cautious Man” and listened to it as soon as I could. Even though the tattoo would be reversed I still felt this was a sign to finish the tattoo and get “LOVE” tattooed onto my left hand. Before I had thought that I will get it tattooed once I feel it more than feeling fear, now I hoped maybe If I finish the tattoo I’ll start to feel love more. I put in for a week off from my job for just after hell week. I made an appointment at a local shop for a day that week. My mother had been asking me what I wanted for my birthday, so I asked her and my other close relatives to pitch in for me to finish the tattoos and they decided to oblige. it was complete, and I felt the same as I had before. Only my hands were a little more sore.
Before I knew it, It was New Years eve and I was out of work for the night, we had a sheet with questions asking favorite moments from the year, and what you wanted from the new year. I was already not in the best of moods from things that had happened earlier in the day. I was having trouble answering the questions as I couldn’t really see anything I had enjoyed last year, nor could I envision a future for me. I was stuck in a place in-between, in my own misery. Hating on myself internally because of decisions I made, or regretted not making from the previous year. After thinking about it overnight, I had decided it was time for change. Time to dig deeper and rise again.
What Is – The Story
Here’s a short story I wrote after High school, its my version of what happened In the Begining of Existence
Please Note I’m not making fun of religion or religious texts, I just took an old story and rewrote it in a fashion that seemed fit to me. This sort of work has been done before, you might know some of it as the works of Walt Disney. Please Enjoy
It awoke, an orb like a bright light shining for all to see. However there was no one to see it. Before the light came to be there was nothing in space, and time didn’t exist, it was a dark, empty space. When the light came into existence it became aware of itself and what was, or wasn’t around it.
Once it had become aware if itself it knew that there was no way for it to experience what it was. Because it had this burning desire within itself. It made its first move. Creating a time for it to exist in, this time took form only changing its appearance to suit its desire.
The light created sensations for itself, and with this the light separated into an infinite amount of colors. Once it had seen these colors it wanted to see more colors. So it moved again. Soon after it made another. And then another. And right after that yet another move. The light was moving in every which direction, expanding and creating its own environment. Its own simulation of what it thought it would enjoy. It began to love this simulation, and with this move love came into existence, and it was good.
Once it had experienced love, it wanted a companion to share love with. It created another form, a shape most like its own yet beautifully different at the same time. The form would serve to create more existences for the light, a portal into itself, now at this time there was only good within the light. The void that the light existed in only existed outside of the light reach.
The space the light existed in was forever growing, causing the void to feel farther away with every move, this however did not destroy the void for it didn’t exist. The light had told time and his companion that it could do whatever they wanted that was good, however there was this one place they should not go to. It told them that there was an experience they would not want, for the light knew all things that would exist within it.
At this point the light rested, enjoying what it had done. Now it wanted to watch its creation grow. At this point, time and his companion thought they existed alone. Being made of the light but not the light they communicated with each other. Times companion asked time what could be so bad about the experience the light had warned them about. At this point, time did not know for it was young, having been created in the light it did not know all the light knew, not having experienced it all yet.
With this the couple moved to what the light had warned them of. Once they had experienced what the light had told them not to, the light had become angry with time for not listening to it. The light cursed its creations into darkness to learn what it had done to itself.
With this move of the light duality came into existence. And it was good, with it the lights simulation would learn what was light and darkness. And it was good. Because time only existed within the light simulation, the light knew what existed and what did not however, because time existed within the simulation it thought it had done wrong.
With this move time reversed itself into the darkness that existed before the light. Causing it to exist only within the darkness that never existed for the darkness was only a shadow of what was, is, and forever will be. The Light.
Stretching Lobes
A couple of months ago I began stretching my ear lobes, what some people might incorrectly refer to as “gauged ears”. Now don’t get me wrong, if you don’t know now you know but breaking the habit of using the wrong terminology can be a little difficult at first. Another misconception I had was about the length of time it took to get there. I don’t really know what I was thinking, I know it doesn’t happen overnight but the length of time it takes astounded me.
When you first begin the process of stretching your lobes you would start out with a size like 12G or even as small as 14G. (the higher the number the smaller the size it is) another way to measure them is in Millimeters. While stretching you don’t want to go up to fast because instead of stretching the skin around the piercing you will be more likely to rip or tear it causing damage to the area making it harder to go up to larger sizes. Now the amount of time to wait in-between sizes depends from person to person and is not set in stone. I’ve only been stretching my lobes for a couple of months and I’m already at 5MM as of this morning. I actually stretched up this morning because my 4MM tunnels had “fallen into” my ear and the tapered end had gotten stuck inside my ear. This might have been caused from having the retainer on the back too tightly against my ear, It may have been partially because of the way I was sleeping on it, but I had figured if it is stretchy enough to fit that large tapered side in then I might be ready for the next size up. So far it seems I was right.
My first couple of stretches up I didn’t wait very long, having not much knowledge on the process I had wanted to see some results, I quickly learned that I wasn’t going to go anywhere fast but still tried pushing a couple a little farther than I should have. I had purchased a kit of tapers (metal rods that are smaller on one end than the other used to help insert the jewelry into the fistula and having access to a bunch of sizes made it easier to size up quickly, but I was going too fast. It can also cause the shape of your ear lobes to change if left in too long as they are not weighted properly to be worn as jewelry.
Using tapers can be dangerous as its easy to go to fast and cause damage to your ears, upon doing some more research into stretching lobes I found another method of stretching that is used commonly called dead stretching. This involves just putting in the next sized jewelry once your ear has had time to grow accustomed to its current size, Arctic buffalo, a store in Omaha Nebraska, recommends around 3 months in-between sizes but says it can depend from person to person.
after learning about their store and their glass tunnels, I had grown curious and after purchasing a couple of their single flare plugs I’ve grown to like them. When I’m ready to size up (like this morning for example) I’ll buy a couple of tunnels in the next size in a couple different colors so I’m not going to fast and I’ll have some variety and I’ll have the next size when I’m ready for them but not pushing myself too far. Check out their website to see more of what they offer and support a great business by clicking on the picture above.
So Far I’ve been Stretching my lobes for about 6-8 months now. I’ve found that dead stretching is a lot easier and seems to be less irritating than using tapers, I had only used tapers for the first couple of stretches because I did not know better. I got a second piercing done on my lobes that I plan on stretching once they are fully healed and ready, the plan is to have the first hole to 5/8ths and the second one to somewhere around 00G. Currently They sit at 1G (7MM) and 14G (1.6MM), the 14G one is a fresh still and has not yet been stretched.
Tinder and Dating
This is one of those things I don’t really know much about. I haven’t had much experience with relationships, and my experience with Tinder is poor. Perhaps it’s because of my lack of experience that I am not willing to give it my all, am I afraid of messing up, that I won’t be good enough? I’m working on my self-esteem, and for the past several months I’ve been making myself swipe more, and today I made a profile on another platform that isn’t as focused on one night stands and the hookup culture presented around me in todays society.
With every match I am sending the first message if they have not sent one before me. I am not entirely sure what to say. I do not want to just shower someone I don’t know with affections as it may taint their perspective, I don’t want something just for the sake of having it, but a relationship that will help both of us grow into more compassionate, caring, kind people. I am working on putting myself out there more. The failures will only be lessons to further my success, to better myself and others. The goal of finding a partner; a life mate. Until then The sun comes up again tomorrow, and we shall try again then too.
Keeping up with everything
There is a saying I’ve heard before, too many chefs can ruin the soup, but can too many soups ruin the chef?
Perhaps I’ve tried spreading myself too thin. Not enough time in the day, and too many things to do. I’ve been working on not working as much, getting more time for relaxation and hobbies. One of those hobbies is relaxation, another is my indoor garden, which as you won’t know since I haven’t updated this for a while, ended up having a large spider mite infestation near the beginning of flowering that stuck through a lot of the flowering process.
I didn’t give up, even though at times I wanted to, it had taken a lot of my time over the past several months, and now I’m left with a product that might not be safe to use, so I plan on extracting what is usable and cleaning it through the extraction process so that it won’t be harmful to me, unfortunately this process does waste some also so I won’t have as much usable product. So with that and work along with the darkness that comes with the winter season I haven’t felt like doing much more than I was, so this blog got left to the wayside.
Since we are getting into the brighter months I hope to post more, as the seasonal depression lifts, hopefully I’ll be talking about what interests me at the time and what I’ve been reading / watching. But I cannot promise you anything as that would be dishonest.
Heating Season
I spent some time during my day off this week in the depths of the basement of my mothers house, being it’s the middle of November we’re entering into the heating season for my area. This just means it getting cold outside, and we will need to start using our heating system. Before we start using it it’s best to give it a tune up and change filters/check for leaks and such, mostly just preventive maintenance.
Now this house is over 100 years old, and the basement although it is cement is fulled of cobwebs and I avoid it as much as possible since I’m not a huge fan of spiders/ webs because of a past experience (that may have been Lyme but I still swear was from a spider bite) , but to change the filters on the heating systems I need to go down there. The “plan” was to go down change the filters and to come right back upstairs. Basically to spend as little time as possible down there but this didn’t really happen that way. I ended up spending a little over an hour inspecting different aspects of the basement.
Once I got down there I found our ventilation system for heater 1 was leaking and allowing water to drip down onto some of the vent pipes rusting them out, at this point I then decided I needed to spend more time down there looking for leaks and such. My uncle had spend time fixing things here when they broke, but with his passing back in February it is just me and my mother living in this house now, so I figured it was time I stepped into the role and started taking more care of the house.
Heater 2 was easier to change the filter of, its kinda just held in place with tape since its missing a couple of parts mostly for air return from the upstairs. We don’t really use that side currently as it needs to have renovations done to be able to have someone live there, that being one of the major ones. I’m hoping to get things fixed up so it is rentable sometime during the next year but with my working schedule and other things in life getting in the way I’m not sure if we’ll get through it.
I’m glad I spent some time down there and plan on going back down and cleaning up some more soon, there’s a couple of work benches and it would be nice to have a workshop of sorts for tinkering, woodworking and such.
Growing Marijuana (again)
On my first day back to work after my first vacation I found a pot behind a jersey barrier that had 10 small marijuana plants in it, I took them home and replanted them. its been a month so far and they’ve grown quite a bit, most have shown signs of being female plants (thats the good kind!)
When I had first stumbled upon the plants they were all in the same fabric pot peaking out behind a jersey barrier. I was walking around the back of my lot assessing what needed to be done after having my first whole week away from the store when I had found them, the timing was perfect!
During my vacation I had moved my grow tent and set it up in a new location, having not used it for a couple of years I dust off the cobwebs and had it ready to go just waiting for seeds / plants to start the growing season. You can imagine my surprise when I found this days later. 10 Plants total, one giant one on the left side of the pot that had already gone into flower and another assortment of different sized ones from small to tiny. Against all odds these ladies had survived to come into my care, and I was ready for them.
How We’re doing so far..
One month into the veg cycle and we are looking pretty sharp, we have some signs of what I believe is a potassium deficiency and have some green moss growing in the soil which may be a sign of overwatering, this might be partially because of the size of the pots and the plants when they were first transplanted, the pots were a little too large.
This one pictured below has this deep purple color on the edges of the leaves, with the elongated tips it makes me think I may be having a possible potassium deficiency but I’m fairly new with growing so as far as I know it could be slight note burn, I don’t think that is the case since the leaves are still fairly healthy otherwise.
To finish off this post and what would be the first update on the plants I have a photo below under the purple light showing the plants together, their positions are not the same as in the first photo, and four of them were replanted again after the first time into small cups as I had them all (5) in one gallon pot together and that wasn’t going to do for long. These photos are from around the 4 week after replant / being found. I am planning on going another month or so before switching to flower depending on how the plants look at the time. I’m trying not to rush it as I don’t want to have too little product come from all the time spent, but I also don’t want to run out of space either.
Now a quick look into the setup, the light I’m using is a BESTVA DC series 2000W LED which has a 3x3FT spread in a 4×4 tent LAGARDEN grow tent. I’m using General Hydroponics nutrients, Micro, Grow and Bloom, and CalMag by Botanicare. I’ve used these before in my last grow a couple of years back, I’ve also started experimenting with a couple of different new nutrients this time around, Rootinator by Rock and TRIBUS original which is microbes that help the plant grow. (I don’t know too much about them yet but so far the plants look great!)
I’ve added a Mailing list for updates on the Grow, and for all things related to growing Marijuana, You can subscribe Here
Days without drinking
I had a time in my life where I would rush home every night only stopping at the grocery store or liquor store to stock up on beer. The moment I walked in the door I would pop one open and Gulp it down. I did this for a couple of years only stoping on days I had a cold because I would get a really stuffy nose when I drank while sick. I had a moment in my life last year in December that had sent me for a loop. It was the night of the first blizzard for the year and I had been displaced from my house for some unforeseen circumstances. While I was away I had not really felt like getting drunk as I had been through a lot at that point having worked all day clearing snow and not being able to return to my house for a while I decided not to drink, and I have continued since then. Yesterday I reached 330 days without a drink, I’m not sure when I’ll have another. It won’t be soon thats for sure. I’ve found something better to drink, Its called Spindrift! it won’t get you drunk but it taste GREAT!
Dusting Off the Cobwebs
So I haven’t posted or used this site in forever. To be honest I might not of again if it wasn’t for me checking my credit card statement and finding the autopay was still active. This was probably the largest amount I’ve had for one of those auto-pays that you setup and forget about. It hurt, but what’s done is done. So I’ve decided to dust off the Cobwebs and see If I can breathe some new life into this.
Whats Been Going On in My Life for the past two years?
Frankly a lot, the last time I had posted anything on here I was in an entirely different place in my life. My focus has changed considerably in the past 24 months, We had the world wide pandemic, which caused quite a stir. I had started a new job position just before the Pandemic hit. February 24th 2020 was my first day on the job as General Manager of a Moving Truck Rental shop, I had only been with the company for 10 months and 10 days when I Took over one of their stores. The Pandemic took us for a spin, with people scared to leave their houses we stayed open and operated with limited staff, I had focused all my time and energy on the store, working 80 hour weeks and still coming up with things not being good enough, working myself to the bone, sweat blood and tears. I spent the first six months there working without a day off – and this was all by choice. I was not being forced or asked to do it. I had thrown myself into it head first, It was one of those moments where you either sink or swim, and I’ve been treading water ever since. I’m not going to say I didn’t struggle with some things, I still have those moments where I mess things up or don’t have the answer. To keep it short during my first year we turned around the profits for the store, coming from a -19k loss the previous year to a 59k profit my first year as General Manager. So far this Fiscal year we are already around 90k in profits. I spend a lot of time looking at the numbers, and how they correlate with each other. Sometimes I have to be reminded its not all about the PnL statement, but also the small storage facilities delinquency, which is one area I have struggled managing, Having too few people who are moving in and paying their bills and too Many people just skipping out on paying and not keeping in contact with us.
Later on in the year I had some drama in my house, ended up getting temporary kicked out of my house and spent some time living with my grandmother. Soon after the new year started and I was able to come home, not long after (maybe a month or so) my uncle who I had lived with for the past 3-4 years passed away, we didn’t see it coming and since I had already lived with him and his German Shepherd Deputy Dawg, I decided to take him in so he wouldn’t go to a shelter. Since then its been 9 or so months, he and my dog Bailey have been getting to know each other and learning to get along. I’ve recently started up an old Hobby of Growing Marijuana, its legal to grow here and I’m excited to see how that turns out. That in itself should be its own story since I did end up finding 10 marijuana plants behind my job that someone had tossed away. Anyway I’ll wrap this up by saying Welcome Back, and its good to be back.
Until next time Heres a picture of Deputy Dawg from around the time my uncle passed.
