I could come here and say, I don’t know how people find the time to do things; to update their blog, or other hobbies. Keeping up with everything is exhausting, and I am feeling warn out. Maybe it is I just haven’t found something that makes the fire burn brighter; something that recharges my soul, and leaving me feeling whole instead.
Ive had some ups and downs over the past year. like in June I went to a music festival by myself called Beardfest down in NJ. It was my first time camping at a music festival alone. I had chosen it because of the name of the festival. I had seen ads on Facebook and thought it was a joke. I couldn’t believe when I found it was real. and It was in the middle of the month so I could easily get the time off to go. I was only able to attend strange creek earlier in the year for a day trip. it felt more meaningful to me because I was able to spend time with valued friends. When I got there I went into it with expectations that it would be just like Wormtown or strangecreek.
Being in an environment where I did not know anyone had put me on edge, I had begun to overthink the whole situation. because I went into it with unrealistic expectations I was disappointed and it affected the way I looked at everything while there. On top of that having close friends or family can make the experience more meaningful. I spent too much of my time there focused on that. It bothered me more that I missed my friends than it did having to walk 20 minutes to the very edge of the parking lot for the only clean portapotty that wasn’t overflowing by morning.
I spent a lot of time after the festival in a cycle of self-loathing. I felt like I had wasted time and energy. and for the next couple of months I was dreading what is considered hell week for my job. its the busiest week of the year and can be a very stressful time. I had thought about maybe finding a better job before it came. however because of my mental state I did not spend enough time and energy searching and didn’t find anything before it was too late. this didn’t help and was like a poison that continued to influence some of the ways I’ve been living my life, and went on for a while before I decided to do something about it.
it was getting close to that time, I remember that a customer had come in to rent a truck and had commented on the unfinished stick and poke tattoo I had on my right hand; “FEAR” it reads. He asked me what I had planned to do with the other side, and after I had told him He mentioned it reminded him of the Bruce Springsteen song. I found the song “Cautious Man” and listened to it as soon as I could. Even though the tattoo would be reversed I still felt this was a sign to finish the tattoo and get “LOVE” tattooed onto my left hand. Before I had thought that I will get it tattooed once I feel it more than feeling fear, now I hoped maybe If I finish the tattoo I’ll start to feel love more. I put in for a week off from my job for just after hell week. I made an appointment at a local shop for a day that week. My mother had been asking me what I wanted for my birthday, so I asked her and my other close relatives to pitch in for me to finish the tattoos and they decided to oblige. it was complete, and I felt the same as I had before. Only my hands were a little more sore.
Before I knew it, It was New Years eve and I was out of work for the night, we had a sheet with questions asking favorite moments from the year, and what you wanted from the new year. I was already not in the best of moods from things that had happened earlier in the day. I was having trouble answering the questions as I couldn’t really see anything I had enjoyed last year, nor could I envision a future for me. I was stuck in a place in-between, in my own misery. Hating on myself internally because of decisions I made, or regretted not making from the previous year. After thinking about it overnight, I had decided it was time for change. Time to dig deeper and rise again.