One question that always seems to be asked by people when you’re getting to know them is if you’re married, or have a significant other. When you tell them you don’t some might just leave it there.
Other people might ask why not, or even ask if you’ve ever even had sex. (these people are just nosy) As if getting naked with someone and fooling around is a right of passage or something. Don’t get me wrong, sex is amazing. It’s an expression of love, a way to show someone what cannot be expressed with words.
I’m not extremely experienced in the realms of love or relationships. the first time I had sex, I had what in hindsight seemed like a pep talk with myself out loud while cuddling on my favorite chair with the girl I was talking to at the time. She had been hinting towards it for a couple of weeks, basically the whole time I had known her. A friend had introduced us under the pretext we would make a nice couple, but I had an excuse every time. either i didn’t have a condom, or my mother was home and upstairs and I was afraid she would hear us.
After two weeks of her asking and me making up excuses she had even talked to the friend that had set us up asking if there was something wrong with her, as if the reason i wouldn’t sleep with her was because of a defect in her being, and not an insecurity of myself. As I laid there with my head snuggled upon her chest I asked myself what was holding me back. Why was I afraid? In those moments I came to terms with myself. I realized I had wanted to show her how I felt about her, I wanted to make her feel good. I had the desire to bring her pleasure, and that was all I wanted to do in that moment.
For that moment I had forgotten my fears, and my Insecurities. I had decided to do something not just for me, but for her. An act of love, where time stood still and all that existed was the two of us, except there wasn’t too of us anymore but one living breathing organism, connected at the hips and maybe the heart too.
I never did finish that night, but I had given it my best and she had been fully satisfied, and couldn’t take much more. Not long after that it all fell apart, I had let my insecurities get the best of me, overthinking that I wasn’t good enough, I had tried to manipulate her into a relationship, when it had been too soon after she had just broken up from her last one. She told me to just leave her alone and I thought she was telling the truth, so I did. It had only been three days after I had slept with her It ended. She had told me she didn’t believe me about being a virgin, that she thought I had lied to her to get her into bed.. This wasn’t true and I had learned later on that she had wanted me to “fight for her”, to not stop talking to her, even though she had told me otherwise. In hindsight there where signs that she wasn’t the one, but I had overlooked them because of how much I just wanted something, someone to be with, as if it were a fairy tail come true.
I try to be more careful now but even then I still make mistakes, some I’ve made a couple of times, and hopefully I wont make them again someday. So when it comes down to it when people ask me why I’m not in a relationship I don’t know what to tell them, Its been years since the last one, and I’m afraid of getting too close too fast. Hopefully when the time is right I will know, and until then I will Keep growing and bettering myself.