I’ve realized today that its good to review and reflect on what I’ve learned or experienced. as it seems I’ve begun a cycle again, gone back into old habits doing the same things I said I wouldn’t anymore. I’m not a huge fan of these habits as they’re nasty ugly habits that make me less loving and more hateful it seems. I find that I am short fused and get aggravated easily.

Change doesn’t happen on its own, it requires action to make something happen. I’ve been allowing this cycle of defeat and disparate continue too long. I need to take control of myself and my life. I need to stop believing that my thoughts are not my own, I need to stop creating a hell for myself and actually go out and live.

Just in my mind it seems I try and define these dreams,

it’s just a fine line; the seams that hold me together,

as I am just a patch work sweater that’s been through it’s fair share of the weather,

and as I rip and tare another patch will go there,

hoping that the time that’s made of the twine will hold me together,

as i sew a new patch to make to make me better,

and maybe someday a pair of patchwork pants will come my way, and we’ll sew our patches together

If you really wanted me you wouldn’t still be talking to someone else, so I’ll just take what I have and go, because I ain’t so side hoe, and that I’m just better off alone

Dominoes. You spend so much time setting them all just to have it all crumble down in a instant. What could have been destroyed by one simple push, be it a mistake or on purpose when it happens it happens. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even setup the dominoes, I Just knock down the ones I’ve been giving, not one by one but all at once.

mistake after mistake. is it up for debate or should i just accept it as fate?

I’ve been listening to the band trampled by turtles on occasion, they have a cover of the song where is my mind by the pixies, and the questions posed in the song are highly relatable for me. Where is my mind? does it really exist or is it another figment of my imagination.

What a Long Strange Trip Its been

The farther I go into this trip of life the longer I wonder how strange its been, things changing my perspective altered by the substances I’ve introduced into My consciousness. I still can remember the point where things seemed to break, a turning point where my life seems to have changed forever, at least this far into forever, for is forever really real? Ever since that point I’ve had trouble focusing, I self categorized it as apathy, which is defined by the Merlin Webster dictionary as “a lack of interest, desire”. For Example a lot of high school students are apathetic towards their schooling. Perhaps I’m wrong in defining myself as apathetic.. To me it could be that I am unsure if I am worth the time or energy spent.. Its been over three years since my last fling, since I’ve last been kissed, since I Held the hands of the one I had thought I was in love with, even though it was all red flags and I ignored every one of them claiming that they didn’t matter, and for a time they didn’t until all of a sudden they all mattered and the illusion i was living at the time smashed to bits and I was left with the reality of the situation.

In these moments we call our life we are left with choices. These choices can shape our reality. We can choose to continue a harmful cycle of doubt and disbelief or to break free and create new thoughts and habits. I met with some old friends yesterday and during our conversation they tried to convince me that I should trim my beard – alter my appearance because they don’t find how I look to be attractive. Now I’m not trying to date either of these women (although I have pondered the notion) so what does it matter if they don’t find how I prefer to groom myself attractive? At another point during our chat we got onto the topic of my love life, which is pretty dormant To be completely honest and I ended up going back into an old cycle of doubt and hopeless thinking. I told them “we all know I won’t be having a relationship anytime soon” and I entered into a state of depressive-self loathing. I’m not sure why I said it as I haven’t thought that way in a while. I had been doing good, or so I thought. Perhaps a deeper look into myself and I might realize that I still somewhat believe this. That I believe that I am not worthy of love and that there isn’t someone out there who was design for me to love. But what is love? Some might say it’s the absence of judgement. If you judge others or yourself you are not loving them. While this is true it’s merely a scratch on the surface. In one of Jack Johnson’s songs he says “we are specks of love directionless” and I think this notion goes deeper than that. To come into this form and reality your parents did something that we call making love. Out of this love you were created. Because of this you are love in physical form. But I’m getting off topic as I am known to do so I will continue this thought at another time. After my friends left I’ve been thinking about what they said and I got upset. Angry almost. I thought of telling them off, being like “fuck you and your view of reality” but what good would this do? Perhaps this place that I found within my self is where I need to work on, an area I need to grow in. What is it that makes me believe that I won’t find someone out there who can love me and that I can love in return? Is it my own self doubt left unattended to for so long that it became truth to me? Did I tell myself lies for so long that I began to take them as true? Was seeing old friends from a time when I was nothing but hopelessly stuck in a thought cycle of fear and insecurity, and am I still acting as if I am that person? So much has happened in the years since high school. I have grown and changed – sometimes for the better sometimes not so. Perhaps I laid judgment upon myself and in that moment I wasn’t showing myself love. If I want to find love within this world I have to be love. To be the light. To love myself more and more. To have hope in what may be and to love what is.