Sometimes it takes a lot for me to get myself out of a negative mindset, sometimes it seems like it goes on forever, as if I’m on a carousel spinning around and the ride never ends.
A Lot of the time I’ll cycle through them going from a positive outlook to negative fairly quickly. However It seems mostly I spend my time in disbelief, and focusing on the negative wondering if I am truly good enough for someone else or if I would just be a toxic aspect to their lives. Can I end this cycle or will it continue into oblivion?
A change must be made. A conscious effort. I must ask myself is this bringing me closer or farther away from my goal, and what is it that I want? Where do I want to be? I spend so much time worrying that I forget to ask the important questions. Perhaps its something I should meditate on.. Questions to ponder.
Recently I started a new job position, I quit my full time job at Insultab where i was a machine operator and took on a full time position at U-Haul where I had been working part time on the weekends, now I’m the assistant manager of this location. At first i was super excited, ecstatic even. Soon after the thought settled in the idea of change, especially a change as big as this is a little frightening. It probably doesn’t help that I have a fascination with the (removed). This entire thing could turn into one large mess but at the same time if history repeats itself I’ll just end up making myself sad and hating myself for it. (Probably not the best mindset to have on the topic, or to have interest in a (removed)). So far I’ve been in this position for almost two weeks and I’m still pretty nervous mostly because I still don’t know what I’m doing as well as I would like to. I know I’ll gain more experience with time and become better at the position but as of now having the title without the experience is a little concerning to me.
I wonder if its just all in my head or if what I’m seeing isn’t just my imagination, I question if it really true or if I’m just a loon. Perhaps someday I’ll know the truth but will it still matter then? How long before you move on when you never were there to begin with?
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find a significant other, spending so long alone doesn’t help me feel like I’ll ever reach that goal. especially now days where it seems like most people are just sleeping around, while I’m not sure I want to be like that, although given the opportunity to I doubt I would refuse. Maybe I’m just not sure how to initiate it, or am just to nervous-anxious to.
One positive thing about this job is that they have computers we use for work and during some down time I could spend more time writing on here which is something I’ve wanted to do for quite a while now. So as I bring this confusing mess of a post to an end I’d like to reflect on the positive as I am not as commonly known to do. I want to be thankful for these new opportunities and job position as it is truly a blessing regardless of how it is looked at. Even when I am feeling down and low I need to remember that I am Blessed.